


To love somebody honestly

by justonemoremiraclesherlock



Series: Not enough [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Bottom Stiles Stilinski, Communication, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Safewords, Sensory Deprivation, Top Derek Hale, not nearly as porny as the tags would have you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:21:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29868369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justonemoremiraclesherlock/pseuds/justonemoremiraclesherlock
Summary: It took one dumb disagreement for Stiles to realize that they had based so much of their relationship around sex, that he didn’t know were they stood when it was taken out of the equation.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Series: Not enough [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189409
Kudos: 125





	To love somebody honestly

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings at the end.

Trust had always been a huge deal for the both of them.

In the early days of their acquaintance, they hadn’t trusted each other at all. Until, that is, Stiles had spent two and a half hours in a pool trying to keep Derek afloat, and almost drowned in his refusal to let go of him. That moment was a turning point in their relationship, and while they didn’t quite trust each other with everything after that, they did trust each other with their lives. As time passed, they began trusting each other with words, and actions, and eventually, with their bodies.

After how many times Derek had been used and manipulated, being allowed to see that side of Derek had meant a lot to Stiles, even though their relationship had been only physical at the time. Stiles had paid that trust in kind, letting Derek be more in control when they slept together, knowing he would never abuse that position. And since their relationship became something more, that trust had only grown.

It’s not like they’d been completely vanilla in bed, before they started dating. But after, it seemed as if the floodgates had opened, and they began —slowly, and always carefully— to experiment a bit. Stiles found out he liked being restrained, which wasn't all that surprising, really, since he’d always enjoyed it when Derek held him down during sex. He didn’t mind when things turned a bit rough, when Derek bit down, hard, and marked him down, when he held on tightly to his wrists and his hips, leaving him with bruises that wouldn’t fade for days. He liked the reminder, liked feeling Derek even when they weren’t together.

So when they decided to try out sensory deprivation, Stiles had been all for it. Maybe it wasn’t high up on his list of things to try in bed, but he was curious by nature, and he _did_ enjoy trying out new stuff with Derek. So they bought some new earplugs, a gag and a blindfold to go with the leather cuffs that were hidden in the back of Stiles' closet, and they planned an evening out of it. They always made sure to set aside some time for moments like this, when they were trying something new, just in case things didn't work out.

Once, a short while after they'd gotten together, they had decided to experiment with Derek's Alpha form. As it turned out, the Alpha eyes had been a _huge_ turn on, as had been the fangs, but having Derek's claws running down his back had reminded Stile too much of his time with Malia. The second the claws had made contact and broken his skin, Stiles had safeworded out. When Derek had asked, Stiles admitted he hadn't enjoyed it when Malia did it to him, but he wanted to try it out with Derek, wondering if it would feel different. But blood was apparently a hard limit for him, and with the added memories of his time with Malia on top of that, well, the experiment had been a bust from the start.

But now, spread out naked on Derek's bed, ready to start the scene, he was sure this would work. And yeah, okay, maybe being in such a vulnerable position made him feel a bit... well, _vulnerable_. It was weird not seeing Derek looming above him, not being able to see Derek's eyes focused intently on him, not hearing Derek's soft voice encouraging him, urging him on. But Derek must have thought about how disorienting the situation would be, because as he moved around on the bed, probably taking his clothes off, he made sure to always have a part of him touching Stiles, grounding him. Eventually, the moving stopped, and Stiles felt Derek's hand curling around his own fisted hand, the one that was holding the bell, in case he needed to stop the scene. Derek squeezed, once, letting him know he'd keep an ear out for it, and then let go, leaving only the weight of his body straddling Stiles' thighs.

After that, Stiles tried to keep all his focus on Derek, on the feeling of his lips brushing over his skin, of his teeth marking him up, of his hands roaming over his body. He tried to ignore the slight cramp in his jaw from the gag, tried to ignore the darkness, and the silence, and how oppressive they were becoming. But then Derek rested his whole weight on top of him, as he began to push inside of him (when had he opened him up?), and as much as he usually loved the feeling, he could feel his chest constricting, as if he couldn't get enough air. He became painfully aware of how defenseless he truly was. He had no way of knowing if it was really Derek on top of him, if the stuff covering his wrists, and his eyes, and his mouth weren't actually bandages, wrapped tightly around him, suffocating him, drowning him, and he suddenly couldn't breathe, and he knew there was something he was supposed to do, but he couldn't remember what it was, and—

Suddenly, his hands were free, and he could hear, and air was finally reaching his lungs, and he saw Derek hovering above him, face pale, seemingly terrified.

"—iles. Stiles, I need you to listen to me. That's it, breath in, come on."

He followed Derek's instructions, because Derek was safe, he knew Derek would always keep him safe. He matched Derek's breathing, focused on his voice as he guided him through it, and as his heartbeat started to slow down, he became more aware of his surroundings.

"Stiles. I need you to stay on the bed and wait for me for a minute. I'll be right back, okay? Can you wait for me?"

Mind clearer now, Stiles nodded, closing his eyes and resting his head on his knees, wrapping his arms around his legs. It didn't take long for Derek to come back, as he'd promised, and Stiles looked up at him when he felt a blanket being tucked around his shoulders, and a bottle of water placed in his hand.

"Can you drink this for me?"

Stiles nodded once again, and took slow, careful sips, Derek's guiding hand keeping the bottle steady so he wouldn't spill it with his trembling hands.

It took Stiles a few minutes to finish drinking all of it, and when he was done, Derek took it and placed it on the bedside table, before turning back to him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Better?"

"Yeah," Stiles rasped out, once he regained use of his voice. "I’m fine. Sorry."

" _Never_ ," Derek said, voice unsteady, "apologize for something like this." Derek closed his eyes and leaned forward to press their foreheads together, hand moving up to curl around the side of Stiles' neck. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I—" Stiles stopped to lick his lips. "It was fine, at first. Like, a bit weird, but it was fine. But then it got really overwhelming and it reminded me of... what happened before. When you got the Nogitsune out of me."

Derek froze, pulling back to look him in the eye. "The bandages."

"Yeah."

"I didn't even think of that. Stiles, I'm—"

"Whoa, hey, no," Stiles said, reaching out to cradle Derek's jaw. "I didn’t think of it either, okay? This isn't on you."

Derek pressed his lips firmly together, but nodded. "Do you think it was a combination of all those elements that triggered you? Or was it one in particular that made it worse?"

"The first one? You know I liked the restraints, so we'd have to try the others on their own at some point to see how I feel about them."

"Whatever you want is fine. No pressure."

"And, um, could we—" Stiles dropped his eyes now, stomach churning. "Is it okay if we, like, stop for a bit? Not sex in general, just, the whole kink thing. Only for a week or—"

Derek stopped him with a kiss, nudging him with his nose until he looked back at him. "We can stop for as long as you need."

* * *

They didn't sleep together at all for three days, and by day four, Stiles felt like he was mostly back to normal. So he planned a very nice dinner for his very patient boyfriend (" _It has nothing to do with being patient, idiot, who the fuck taught you about consent_ "), followed by a spectacular round or two of sex.

He almost had another panic attack.

"I don't understand what the problem is, _what the fuck_."

"You need to calm down. We just got your breathing back to normal," Derek said, as patient as ever, rubbing his hand up and down Stiles' back. "You mentioned, after, that the final straw had been having me on top of you. That it felt claustrophobic. Maybe we could try something else for a while. You could ride me, instead."

Stiles frowned. "You said you weren't into that."

"I'm not... not into it." Derek hesitated, before continuing, "Kate preferred it that way. She liked being more in control. Maybe that's what you need, right now."

"What, so you can have your own panic attack next, and we spend the following two months not touching each other?"

“I’m not—” Derek closed his eyes, taking a breath. “I want to do this for you.”

“I don’t want you to do it _for_ me, Derek. I don’t want you to do it if you don’t _want_ to. _Who the fuck taught you about consent_?” Stiles repeated back to him.

“Fine,” Derek bit out, taking the hand off his back. “We’ll just cool things off until you feel up to it again.”

“Fine.”

* * *

It wasn’t fine.

They sort of stopped meeting up after that. They saw each other at pack meetings, but outside of that, the didn’t say a word to each other. And it took one dumb disagreement for Stiles to realize that they had based so much of their relationship around sex, that he didn’t know were they stood when it was taken out of the equation.

Stiles knew he was in love with Derek, and that the sentiment was almost-but-not-quite reciprocated. He knew their relationship wasn’t _about_ sex, it hadn’t been for a while now. But as much as both of them were plagued with intimacy issues, sex had become the easiest part of their relationship, probably even the safest one. Every time they saw each other, without fail, they would sleep together. And yes, they would also talk, and watch movies together, and cuddle, but at some point, sex was something that would happen. So now that they’d decided to hit pause on the physical side of things, waiting until Stiles felt comfortable giving it another go, it seemed as if they had no excuse to spend time together.

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized how fucking stupid it was. And as much as he wanted nothing more than to stride up to the loft and tell Derek that he just wanted to _be_ with him, sex be damned, he couldn’t help but worry Derek wouldn’t be into that. Why else would he have stayed away otherwise?

* * *

Just for the record, Stiles was an idiot, and he was never allowed to make assumptions about his and Derek’s relationship ever again.

* * *

“That’s it, I’m done.”

Stiles yelped and almost fell out of bed when he saw Derek crawling through the window, and he got up on his feet with a start. “Dude, what are you—”

“No. Shut up.” Derek walked up to him, crowding Stiles against the closet, and kept him in place with a hand on his chest, curled tightly around his shirt. “I tried to give you space, thinking maybe you wanted to be on your own for a while, but I can tell you’ve been miserable and you look as if you hadn’t slept for a week. Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or am I going to have to guess?”

“There’s nothing—” Stiles faltered at Derek’s furious glare. “Fine, jeez. I just— I wasn’t sure you’d want to spend time together. Since we wouldn’t be having sex.”

“ _Stiles_.”

“Don’t do that face, buddy, until a couple of seconds ago I thought that’s why you were avoiding me. How was I supposed to know you were just being all… considerate?”

“You’re an idiot. We don’t need to be having sex for me to want to spend time together. Jesus, Stiles, where did you even get that idea?”

Stiles blushed. “I don’t know, okay? You know how my brain gets. I kept thinking about how easy the whole sex bit was between us, and how much we sucked at everything else, and I just—” Stiles shrugged.

“I think,” Derek said after a moment, the hold on his shirt loosening, but letting his hand rest against Stiles’ chest. “our problem here may be communication.”

“… Are you seriously suggesting we should talk more? _You_?”

“I’m not saying we should talk more; we talk plenty. I’m saying we should… talk better.” Derek grimaced.

“Better.”

“Yes. Half of our problems have been one or the two of us assuming what the other is feeling, or thinking, instead of just asking. And I— I want this to work, Stiles. I don’t want us to break up in a couple of months just because of a fucking misunderstanding.”

Derek sounded exhausted, and Stiles began to feel a prickle of guilt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. It wasn’t just you. Just— I want you around. I always want you around, whether we’re having sex or not.”

“Maybe we could… take a break. For a while?” When Derek’s face fell, he rushed to continue. “From sex, idiot! I mean, I know we already put it on pause, kinda, but… I think it’d be good to focus on some other stuff. For a while. Until we can find a balance.”

Derek let out a relieved breath, pulling Stiles close to hide his face against his neck. “All right.”

“Really? That’s it? You could at least pretend you’re gonna miss my blowjobs,” Stiles sniffed, trying to break the tension.

“I’d miss _you_ more if I were to lose you, moron.”

Stiles absolutely did _not_ tear up at that.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Very small mentions of Stalia, not particularly positive, but no hate either. A scene goes wrong and Stiles has a panic attack, leaving him unable to use his safeword, but Derek notices and stops everything immediately. Mentions of Nogitsune-related trauma and Kate-related trauma.  
> I don't consider this work to be Explicit (there's a very thin line between Mature and Explicit, I think), but if you think I should up the rating, just let me know and I'll fix it x


End file.
